in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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