I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
