1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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