i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
