I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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