please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
