i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
