My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
