i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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