"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
