Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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