Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
