sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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