my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I miss vodka workout Fridays
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
