your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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