He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
