He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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