how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
