I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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