When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
