Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
