Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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