I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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