I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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