I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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