She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
