The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
