I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
it's like iHOP with fire
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize