My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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