did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize