Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
