Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
