happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
