Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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