I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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