as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
