the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
