i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
