Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
sex in a hospital.. check
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
