I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
