just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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