Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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