i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
