My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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