U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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