is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
