We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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