hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
