i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so let's talk penis.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
