I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
