I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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