Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
