I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
