Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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