Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We need to get me chipped asap
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
