Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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