If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
