I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
