I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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