Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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