I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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