i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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