I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
