I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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