my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
