Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
