Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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