im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
