You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
