Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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